Fed moves surprisingly quickly towards autonomous vehicles, pigs sprout wings

In a pleasantly surprising move, the Federal Government seems for once determined to move at something a bit quicker than melting glaciers. Indeed, as a follow-up to President Obama’s recent pledge to to spend over $3.9 billion during the next ten years, Secretary of Transportation Anthony Foxx has just given the Department of Transportation a deadline by when they must submit a draft of comprehensive rules governing autonomous vehicle testing and regulation: just six months.

Driverless cars to require drivers, Teslas required to carry auxiliary gas tank

Fortunately, only one of those statements is true. Unfortunately however, they’re both so mind-bendingly absurd, you’d be hard pressed to guess which one is pure poppycock.

Care to place your bets on which one is true? The least illogical of the two, surely? Arguably, there’s at least some logic — if you’re drunk, comically pro-oil, or believe that solar power plants should be illegal because they will drain the sun of its energy — that electric cars could be mandated to carry backup gasoline tanks, just as cars need to carry a spare tire, no matter how utterly stupid that would be.

In contrast, the notion that “driverless” cars must include drivers is per se a contradiction, and cannot possibly be true. Obviously.

So which is it? Take a long, deep breath. And three shots of your favorite hard alcohol. Maybe seven. Better yet, just pass out and don’t even continue reading because it will likely cause your blood to boil and your face to explode.